Giving in to Darkness After Loss

The hardest first step I took after my husband’s sudden death was allowing myself to ease into the new darkness that came from his loss. I tried everything to keep the rush of feelings at bay for a long time. Like a growing eclipse, I could sense something swallowing the light around me. I was afraid of the eerie and heavy blackness. I worried that if I wavered for just a moment, it would eat me alive and I would never be the same.

Forced to stop running, I feared I could hurt our children if I kept turning a blind eye to what was happening to me. How could I guide them through the aftermath of their father’s death if I was afraid to take the first real step for myself? I needed to be strong and take a good, hard look at what was coming for me. I needed to do it for them. I know I would be still running today if it weren’t for the kids.

With the help of my therapist, I tried to use meditation in my healing. I laughed outright when she first suggested it. Meditation would relax my guard and provide an opportunity for the pain and all the unnamable things to rush in. How could I allow it? I fought my protective instincts for a good while until it finally hit me. I had to let it in. It was the only way to begin to truly heal.

“But I’m not giving up, I’m just giving in.” – Florence + the Machine

I made the decision to be brave and go forward without knowing where it would take me. I don’t do that often in my life, but there was no other option here. No path, only darkness that I had to accept. I stepped into what I feared most and let it take me. I felt the pull at my feet, rising inch by inch. The weight of the dark clung to me, but I held my ground and took another step. Then another. I went blindly into what I had run from for so long. Each time I opened to it, more rushed in until I thought I was drowning. But I didn’t drown. My pain held me and I could finally see that the darkness was me. I couldn’t fear myself. 

Once I acknowledged this new part of me, something slipped into place. I was right when I feared that I would never be the same, but I had to let this loss and everything that came with it change me. Like an old friend, I know my darkness’s quirks but love her anyway. She’s made me who I am today. Broken, yet stronger for it. To get here, I had to trust that I could take it all in and come out the other side. 

I am still evolving and finding new fears hidden inside, but I’m not turning away. I am doing my best to give in to what comes so I can truly see new parts of myself. I know now that it’s the only way to move forward in life.