Dropping the Weight

Like a fishing net, I’m still letting things collect and weigh on me. It’s a cycle that I’m beginning to realize and I don’t know how to stop it. It’s just the way I’m built. As l move through life, I gather residue from my interactions and reactions. Feelings cling to me, tinting the color of my filter and allowing more residue to stick.

I can see the cycle when I finally realize that I’m holding on to too much and I know the filter has to be cleaned. I have to let go. Sometimes it takes quite a lot to know when I’ve gone too far. There’s a tightness in my jaw, shoulders, and around my eyes. Gravity seems stronger. My moods are deeper and darker. Grief colors my perspective, pointing out all the wrongs I’ve been dealt. It’s a sorry sight.

I’d love to step away from this cycle and never to get pulled down again. Yet I’m a realist and know the effort it would take to completely rewire my brain.

However, acknowledgement is a huge first step. When I began meditation shortly after my husband died, I had no clue how to steady my mind. I fought with myself to think the way I was supposed to during my sessions. All it did is cause more chaos.

I know now that the chaos had to come. When I finally accepted how my brain operated, I experienced my first flow and opened my eyes refreshed. It was a shock and took a lot of practice to feel that way again. Now five years later, I have to remember that allowing my crazy mind to unfurl in its own way is crucial. It’s how I clean my net.

My inner mechanisms get more clever as time goes on and I discover new tricks at play. As I gain more acceptance for my unconventional mind, I somehow move the net to a better hiding spot. But I’ll keep working on it because I know what it feels like to be free of all this, even just for a moment. I know how powerful an unclouded perspective can be in my life. It allows me to stay open to the good things that come, even among the tough stuff.