Unknown Future

Official Minnesota shelter-in-place has me wandering around the house, trying to get motivated to get things done. This uncertain time is bringing up my anger for Gage again and what he left for me to handle on my own when he died. It’s completely irrational, but I can’t help when it comes. It’s such a well worn reaction to any trouble I take on, that I don’t always recognize it. So exhausting. Maybe some day I can drop it. Lockdowns, unknown situations ahead, and the constant thought that I better stay healthy because I’m what’s left for the kids have stirred up this anger more often than I’d like lately.

I made it through my own two weeks of a modified self-quarantine with no symptoms last Wednesday after my trip to North Carolina. The last trip I’ll be taking in quite a while. Even then, the eeriness of empty airports and fearful travelers took its toll on me. My company issued a stay on travel the day after I returned.

I didn’t expect this restricted time to effect me as much as it has. As an introvert, I’m in my element with ample personal time. Yet all this has my mind spinning too much, going all over the place. The worry for the state of things is reasonable. I’m trying to stick to the data trending and not get pulled into finger pointing. Just focus what is being done to help and how successful is it. What is the next step? What can I do?

So I’m making more workout time and trying to keep my meditations up daily. Dreams are unsettling and shaking up all sorts of things I thought I’d be done with by now. Luckily, I can see that and mostly get above it. I just focus on what the kids need and try to do my best. Short-term efforts are where I need to stay right now. Anything else would be just projections. It feels eerily similar to those first years after Gage died. Crisis management; we all have to learn it and find out what matters most to us. This mess is bringing me back to all the work I’ve done while grieving, making me grateful again. I realize that it’s probably time for a reset to make sure I’m on track and staying real with myself. 

But it also makes me wonder what kind of world will be out there when we get to the other side of this. Will we learn our lessons and move forward together or will it all just keep breaking down? I’m sure many are in the same place as me, with time to think. Conflicts and challenges are just part of living. I hope we find the best of ourselves during this crisis, so we’ll be better for the next thing coming. Not just with preparedness, but with our kindness and compassion. Can this horrible reminder of our connectedness help us understand what we need to do for each other, instead of to each other?