On Not Turning 50

Gage would be turning 50 today. What would it be like had he lived? I can’t help think that even though I’m told not to. 

I immediately think of all the great conversations we all would have had with him, especially the kids. He was amazing at understanding where they were coming from with an issue or a question. I would end up frustrated and at a loss for the right words, while he just knew what to say and how to say it. If he were alive during their teenage years and now as they are striking out on their own, he would have had even more to give them. 

Those tough years meant bring you to your independence and adulthood would have been his sweet spot as a father. He would have seen to their questions and needs through the filter of a man who struggled and pushed his way to the life he wanted. All the challenges from his family and from his own rebelliousness had given him a lot of insight. Couple that with his ability to connect so well with his kids, these last few years would have been very different for them. They would have their struggles, of course. But he would have been a sounding board, guiding them with the wisdom of experience and unconditional love. 

Now the injury of his death deals double blows. His loving guidance is absent and in its place is a hole that only grief can make. I will continue to try my best as each new challenge comes along. I just know that today, of all days, is when I miss him most. His birthday hits me the hardest because it was always such a celebration of hope, of what’s possible, of what’s to come. 

The future we planned for has been gone for 10 years. The kids have lost so much and will continue to lose as the years go by. I didn’t get to see the kind of father and husband he would have been in this next stage of our lives. The kids are the first to point out the positives in their lives today and I’m grateful for it. I can’t always see that on his birthday.

As always, I must balance this pain with something to help me keep going. I just don’t have what I need today to do that. I can only acknowledge it and wait for something to come to me. In the meantime, I’ll push on and do what I need to do. It’s my default mode. Doesn’t always feel good, but it gets things done.