uncovering the hidden world of grief
I was struggling with irritation as I pulled wallpaper from my bathroom wall, and not just due to the fact that I was peeling aged pink flowers in sticky little strips. I was angry that I had to do it at all; fixing another house where we live without him. The most unreasonable logic kept... Continue Reading →
I noticed a hole had worn through my flannel shirt at the elbow when I put it on today. The paper thin material had finally gave way and it filled me with dread. This old flannel was there with me the night my husband died, covering me when I turned off the machines and said... Continue Reading →
In the years after my late husband’s sudden death, I found that grief doesn’t follow reason or resolve itself in a neat, expected pattern. There’s no story line to follow, no map. If you follow one person’s suggestion, it may lead you to some peace and understanding or it may lead to more questions and... Continue Reading →
This is my June 2nd, in the middle of a global pandemic and social unrest spilling into riots over longstanding issues. I wonder if we can use all this heartache to find lasting solutions. There is no easy way. I’m exhausted. Embattled. Raw and empty. Mostly because I need to find a meaningful way to... Continue Reading →
Official Minnesota shelter-in-place has me wandering around the house, trying to get motivated to get things done. This uncertain time is bringing up my anger for Gage again and what he left for me to handle on my own when he died. It’s completely irrational, but I can’t help when it comes. It’s such a... Continue Reading →
Like a fishing net, I’m still letting things collect and weigh on me. It’s a cycle that I’m beginning to realize and I don’t know how to stop it. It’s just the way I’m built. As l move through life, I gather residue from my interactions and reactions. Feelings cling to me, tinting the color... Continue Reading →
For the first time in years, I blew through the holidays with no care for review or goal setting. I did not want to reflect on the past or find hope for the future. I was just tired and focused on what was right in front of me. Reading the story in animal signs during... Continue Reading →
How many times will I get to this point? Grinding away and trying to hold everything together as my life and the lives tied to me shift and struggle. You can’t hide from the world if you want to stay in it. You can’t shut your eyes and fall to the ground for long, because... Continue Reading →
The hardest first step I took after my husband’s sudden death was allowing myself to ease into the new darkness that came from his loss. I tried everything to keep the rush of feelings at bay for a long time. Like a growing eclipse, I could sense something swallowing the light around me. I was... Continue Reading →
I fell out of reality when Gage died. Time was meaningless. Things that used to be so important dropped from my concern. Worries about my big work projects flew from my mind like leaves in the wind. I forgot to eat and constant nausea settled in. I hovered in a state of exhaustion, never fully... Continue Reading →
The Unseen Widow 