“An invisible thread connects those who are destined to meet, regardless of time, place, or circumstance. The thread may stretch or tangle, but it will never break.”
Ancient Chinese Belief
Gage was right from the start that we were meant to be together, even if I didn’t believe him. Thankfully, his stubbornness paid off and we had fifteen years together. In the space of a few hours, a heart condition took him away.
For the first few months and years, I pushed myself along to support our son and daughter. I tried to make sense of this new life without him. I found an amazing therapist for my children who eventually convinced me to figure this out for myself as well. I read anything I could about loss and widowhood when I could make myself say the word. I connected with others who live with loss.
Five years later, I realize there is a significant change in myself literally down to the cellular level. My body feels different, from the way I move to the physical ache I still get in my chest sometimes. I even eat differently once I could begin to eat again. My mind sees and processes the world like it never had before. There is no going back.
No one else around can really see these changes, much less understand why they are taking place. This new me in the same world is hard to explain and not many really want to know. I look and sound the same to others around me, but I know I’m not. I am truly unseen.
Hiding in this invisibility, I’ve learned that things are never just one way. I am a widow, yet my love for Gage is still in me. I try to stay open to new things, but I sometimes feel the tug of my old life to which I can never return. I am constantly reconciling this fact each day as I live on and try to find out who I am meant to be now.
I am searching for the truth of this different me in a world without him. Hopefully, I can find it and share it, because we all want to be seen.
The Unseen Widow 
This is so true,i really believe we are connected to people. even years down the line paths can cross. I have met some truly wonderful people through my grief journey this far and just wonder if it’s my husband pulling the strings. You have a really thoughtful blog here and thank you for sharing xoxo
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Thank you! One thing my loss has taught me is how important connections are to living a full life. Old and new connections are both equally precious.
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“An invisible thread connects those who are destined to meet, regardless of time, place, or circumstance. The thread may stretch or tangle, but it will never break.”
I would add that this thread transcends time, space, form, and function.. I am sure you’ve loved Gage in lives past and will again in lives yet lived… Even knowing this truth it still does not remove the feeling of loss, guilt, confusion, befundamentalment.. I sometimes think it’s because our souls are still very much connected yet we can not wrap our arms around that which is so present.
I’ve known you for 27 years and there are few that have grown, through the amazing and absolute rock bottom. You’ve shown your children such blessed ways of keeping Gage close and present in theirs lives. I have been so touched by the beauty and class that you’ve shown even while your hurting in a way words fail to describe…
Yet your shine, the shine that caught the attention of Gage, still shines so bright and you are perfect, cracks and all, right here, now in this moment. Please find just a moment and listen to our mother earth as she listens to you and breath as she provides you breath, ground your feet open your crown and she’ll receive and provide… Feel the trees wrapping their branches around you as you breath and feed them they’ll give you your breath. You are loved by many and so very worthy of abundant love. I’ve lost my Father, Mother, and my rock, my grandmother, all within the 18 months, you do not walk alone, there are people walking besides you always in all ways.
Let your light shine
Namaste Dear Loved One
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Wow, has it been 27 years? That just illustrates how time is not the constant by which we should measure things. Love and connection are where we find meaning, not in the months and years. I’m sorry for the losses you carry, but I agree that the meaning we find in grief can help us understand what really matters. We are truly never alone. Thank you for your kind words. Sending love to you!
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