Chose from Love Not Fear

“May your choices reflect your hopes, not your fears.” — Nelson Mandela

Flying back from a work trip last week helped me gain the perspective that I desperately needed. 30,000 feet in the air, good music in my ears, and a pen and paper helped me get clear. Why in the hell was I taking a reactive approach to my job and my life? Why was I letting my direction be dictated by a framework didn’t match my own instincts?

It’s been brewing for a while, this subtle fear that I’m in a slide that I can’t control and doing work that drains me. I’ve been putting my needs in the backseat. It’s just the wrong spot, simple as that. However, it’s taken me a long time to see it. I wanted all my efforts to be well placed and to feel that progress was coming. 

Instead, I’ve been caught up in all things that grow in fear. It made me doubt myself. Somewhere in all this, I’ve stopped moving through my life with confidence knowing that I’ve got this. Now I’m second-guessing myself and draining my energy. 

Up in the sky, sitting quietly in my seat, I was truly pissed with myself. I knew better. I have honestly been through hell and back to rebuild myself from the ground up after Gage died. All those years ago I was truly broken, lost, and hopeless. I couldn’t see my way through each minute in my life at first, but I eventually found a path through the darkness to gain purpose again. From there, I reinvented myself and helped my children through the loss of their father, leading by example. I taught them that we are strong and can make things happen as long as we stay true to what really matters in our lives.

It took a work colleague to break through the fog of fear in my mind so I could really see that truth again. I had told her that I admired how calm she was as she addressed the crises that came at us in our roles. Her response was simple and direct: it’s all about perspective. There are worse things in life. She reminded me that I knew what was really important because I been through tougher stuff, just like her. That’s what drove her through the things she did everyday. 

When did I forget that??

When did I let fear and worry make my decisions for me? 

A few years after Gage died, I had this nagging feeling that I was falling into a routine. I had done the hard things and felt the calm that came with clarity of mind, reinforced by the things that were happening in my life. I felt steady again. Deep in the back of my mind, something whispered, “don’t fall into that old rut and forget what all this work and introspection gave you.”

Looking at my life last week from a 30,000 foot view, I realized that’s exactly what happened.

So, now what? I can’t stew on what I did to land here, but I can reset and make my choices from a different place than fear. I know this because I’ve been through tougher stuff and figured out what mattered most. I just have to do it again and then step confidently toward the right next thing.