One-Sided Conversations

I don’t remember when I stopped really talking to Gage after he died. After sharing fifteen years of our lives together, it was hard to imagine that we would have our last conversation one summer morning in 2014. A quick chat before running to work and getting the kids to the school. I didn’t know that it was going to be the last time I would hear his voice in my ears and not just in my head.

Since then, I can’t count the hours of one-sided rants that I’ve had with him. During those first few years, I would mostly swing back and forth from anger to sadness in just a few breaths. Then finally, a few words of kindness starting coming through. Some grace and gratitude for the life we shared and the gifts he gave me with his love. I had come to an understanding about my loss; not an acceptance, but an easing of sorts. My life flowed on and I started counting on myself to make important decisions on my own. I built new memories without him. Sometimes I felt good about living on and sometimes that would only sharpen the pain knowing that I couldn’t share things with him anymore.

His birthday is coming in a few days and I feel that old tight pinch in my chest. With it, I have an urge to talk with him again. This time of year had always been special for us and I can’t stop thinking about that.

We had fallen in love during the fall. It was such a momentous time in my life. Many memories and emotions still take me over when the air is cooler and the leaves turn. We were so young and full of possibilities, that we felt unstoppable. As we met troubles over the years, his birthday and the fall season would represent a reset, a chance to catch our breaths, and a return to what mattered most to fuel our family for whatever would be coming next. 

I can’t break the cycle that our life together created even now that he’s gone. As the the days fall away and his birthday gets closer, a change comes over me. I grow more quiet, heavy, and emotional. 

It’s been so long, that I feel a need to retreat inside and keep these things to myself. Everyone has moved on with their lives. But the need to reflect, rest, and reset is hard to keep to myself and I can think of one person who would get it.