uncovering the hidden world of grief
“May your choices reflect your hopes, not your fears.” — Nelson Mandela Flying back from a work trip last week helped me gain the perspective that I desperately needed. 30,000 feet in the air, good music in my ears, and a pen and paper helped me get clear. Why in the hell was I taking... Continue Reading →
I don’t remember when I stopped really talking to Gage after he died. After sharing fifteen years of our lives together, it was hard to imagine that we would have our last conversation one summer morning in 2014. A quick chat before running to work and getting the kids to the school. I didn’t know... Continue Reading →
Seven years ago, we were quietly celebrating another wedding anniversary. I had no idea it was going to be our last one that we enjoyed together. Everything that came afterwards irrevocably changed me. Sometimes it makes me so angry that no words come. There is only a dark knowing of how wrong it is. Other... Continue Reading →
I was struggling with irritation as I pulled wallpaper from my bathroom wall, and not just due to the fact that I was peeling aged pink flowers in sticky little strips. I was angry that I had to do it at all; fixing another house where we live without him. The most unreasonable logic kept... Continue Reading →
Official Minnesota shelter-in-place has me wandering around the house, trying to get motivated to get things done. This uncertain time is bringing up my anger for Gage again and what he left for me to handle on my own when he died. It’s completely irrational, but I can’t help when it comes. It’s such a... Continue Reading →
Like a fishing net, I’m still letting things collect and weigh on me. It’s a cycle that I’m beginning to realize and I don’t know how to stop it. It’s just the way I’m built. As l move through life, I gather residue from my interactions and reactions. Feelings cling to me, tinting the color... Continue Reading →
How many times will I get to this point? Grinding away and trying to hold everything together as my life and the lives tied to me shift and struggle. You can’t hide from the world if you want to stay in it. You can’t shut your eyes and fall to the ground for long, because... Continue Reading →
The hardest first step I took after my husband’s sudden death was allowing myself to ease into the new darkness that came from his loss. I tried everything to keep the rush of feelings at bay for a long time. Like a growing eclipse, I could sense something swallowing the light around me. I was... Continue Reading →
When the weight of my loss felt a little heavier than usual this past week, a good friend shoved back into the world again. Getting last minute tickets to a show was exactly what I needed even if I fought the idea. Lake Street Dive, a band I had always wanted to see live, was... Continue Reading →
I pushed myself out the door this morning when I wanted to just sit on the couch and stay numb. This 5-year anniversary of his death weighs on me almost as much as the first one. I think it’s because I allowed myself to be a mess that first year. In the back of my... Continue Reading →
The Unseen Widow 