The Day After

The anniversary of Gage’s death doesn’t usually deal the toughest blow; it’s the day after. On June 3, 2014, I watched the sun rise after a sleepless night when I turned off the machines and said goodbye in his dark and quiet hospital room. June 3rd was the first morning without him. I had nine years worth of mornings without him, but that sunrise was the very first one.

That morning, I was just trying to keep breathing, keep moving from one minute to the next. I had to tell my children that their father wasn’t coming home. I made the calls that I needed to make. I did whatever my sister told me to do, because I was simply not fully there. My mind could not make any sense of this unbelievable new reality, so it closed down to focus on the bare minimum needed to stay alive. The days after past much of the same way. It was all so unreal, but I had to keep on.

My head had hurt from crying all night. The nausea that rose up to my throat stayed there for months, driving my appetite away. My eyes were swollen and sore. I didn’t recognize the heavy weight I felt in my chest for the anxiety that was to be my constant state for most of that first year. 

In the years since, a reactive pattern forms in the days after the anniversary of his death. Time slips so my mind and body relive a part of the chaos, fear, and numb disbelief that dominated me those first few days and weeks. Unwanted, these things rise up again and I don’t recognize it until it’s too late to stop my response. 

They come at me in sneaky ways. A sharp anger with no true cause, triggering my fight response. I find my hands gripping into fists. I am uneasy in public places. I can’t seem to get a full breath and it gets stuck deep in my chest when I try. I have days of intermittent physical responses to the trauma that occurred all those years ago. I can’t control it, but have to keep on as always.

As midnight on June 3rd comes close, I’m not done with this year’s cycle. It doesn’t usually break until after my birthday. Trauma and grief are tricky monsters that can take me over if I don’t watch closely. And these two are strongest when I relive those first few hard days. Even though I know what’s coming every year, I can’t beat it. I just have to ride it out.